Peeved With Twilight
by Luna Locura
Summary: So before you go on, I want you to know that I do like Twilight. This is just a list of the problems I have with it. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Peeved with Twilight.

Schmello, everybody! :)) If you couldn't tell by the summary, this is a one-shot about my various…issues with Twilight. Don't get me wrong, I love it, it's amazing, all that jazz (haha, Jasper…) but there are some things about it that make me want to bash my face into a table. Here goes, goobers, so enjoy. Or don't, it's okay… :))

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1.) Why must Bella be _so_ clumsy? Isn't a little stumbling here and there alright? Apparently not, because it seems that every other paragraph has to be about Bella doing something or other and then epically wounding herself, depending on the never-ending patience of those around her to correct her problems with balance. Humans, like Bella, and you and me (hopefully), all trip or something. I walked into a door. Bella, according to her vampire man-candy Edward, is a magnet for trouble. I think she's a magnet for loose carpet edges, sharp corners, and threatening sticks. So my dear readers, I hope you get my point.

2.) Bella had no problems until she moved to the puddle that is Forks, Washington. If you direct your attention to Issue Number One, you will realize that Bella is wound-prone and the name of the town itself should have set off a red-flag. A fork is a metal utensil with three or four sharp prongs used for skewering food, according to my dictionary. The key words _skewering_ and _sharp _automatically let you know that Bella will hurt herself on this town. Within the first two months of her living there she encountered a coven of bloodthirsty vampires, a group of marauding rapists, an obsessed suitor (a.k.a Mike), a vicious van out to crush her, and three foreign blood-drinkers that want to eat her alongside some finger sandwiches as a tasty afternoon snack. Yet she _still_ does not possess the good sense to say, "Wait a minute, I am a feeble and clumsy human that has a more than likely chance of being drained like a Capri-Sun unless I get my overly-pale self away from here." Nevertheless, things turned out suspiciously well for her.

3.) Has anyone ever noticed how Bella and Edward's entire relationship was founded on over-infatuation, obsession, and extreme curiosity? Edward was interested in her because he couldn't read her mind. He was overly curious and began to become infatuated with getting inside of her mind. Dirty Edward. Bella was interested in him because he was, and I quote, _devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful_. She was also curious about why he gagged in her presence like she was a week-old diaper. I was taught by our instructors (the people who taught the social awareness classes that we were forced to take in school) that relationships founded on infatuation were bound to crumble. Apparently Bella and Edward weren't. So, in time, a perverted desire to read minds and a disgusted-looking face resulted in a love that Stephenie Meyer thought was important enough to write about.

4.) If you have read _Midnight Sun_, the incomplete draft of Stephenie Meyer's fifth book in the Twilight Saga,* you will find that it is in Edward's point of view. When he first saw his lady love, he actually thought that Bella was ugly. Forgive me if I think that this is not the way to start a relationship. If I was in a relationship with an über-hunky vampire, I'd at least want him to think I was pretty, but that's just me. But instead, he was fond of Bella, almost like a seven-year-old would be fond of a toy truck or a hamster. So I come to the conclusion that Edward is a sparkly seven-year-old and Bella is his delicious firetruck.

5.) Issue Number 4 leads to the next. Edward treats Bella like a geek would treat a mint-condition action-figure. She's not allowed to come out of the box, and he's afraid to play with her because he's afraid it will diminish her value( ;D ). So the Little Bella Doll can't do anything because Ednerd is afraid she'll break, which is granted because she could hurt herself on the name of the town she lives in. Poor, dusty, action-figure Bella.**

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*I read Midnight Sun on Meyer's official website, I didn't read the leaked copy on the internet. I felt it was rude.

**I imagine her box would say something like this:

"New! Trips over her own feet!"

Or even:

"Try me! I pine over Edward when you press the button!"

So how did you like it? I felt like doing this because people oh-so-cleverly overlook these issues. And Stephenie Meyer, if you're reading this, which I seriously doubt, I am NOT dissing you. I love Twilight, these things just irk me. Please do not smite me with your mighty pen, Oh Lovely Twilight-Writer!


	2. AN

Hello, my lovely readers! I'm sorry if you thought this was a new chapter, it's not:/

This is me asking all of you your opinion on something:)

So I've been bored recently and I've been wanting to write a comedy/parody or something to lighten the mood, but sadly, I'm stuck. I can't think of a good enough prompt, so this is where you guys come in. I want to ask you guys if have any ideas for a humor/parody story, Twilight related that I could write to break my writer's block.

If you have any ideas, please review or PM me or something, and I would be extremely grateful.

-Luna Locura

P.S: If you're interested in betareading any of my stories, please let me know;)


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